Hi, my dear frens, i have posted my new poem here for u people who love nepali poem. I hope that you really like it and give some comments/suggestions and feedbacks. I generally write poems and this time, with the use of nepali unicode, i have typed it.I recommend it for you also because it makes easy to write anything that has never been so easy. You have to install nepali fonts to read my poem
Thanking You.with best wishes

हेर्ने धोको मर्या छैन तमीलाई जति देखेपनि
तिम्रो मेरो बिछोढ कथा भाग्यमानै लेखेपनि

तिम्रालागि मैले मेरा सारा नाता तोडी हिने
बाबु आमा दाजु भाई सारा घर नै छोडी हिने

हिलोहरुको बिचमा तिमिलाई स्वच्छ सफा कमल ठाने
पुसमाघको न्यानो घाम झै हजारबीचमा तिमिलाई छाने

तर प्यारको बदला प्यार पाऊने आसा मेरो मरि गयो
तिम्रा मेरा खुसिहरु दैवले नै हरी गयो

जिउन गार्हो छैन यहा, मर्न गार्हो तिमीलाई भुली
सारा जीवन जिउनै पर्यो ?मगन्ते? झै यसै डुली
हेर्ने धोको मर्या छैन तमीलाई जति देखेपनि
तिम्रो मेरो बिछोढ कथा भाग्यमानै लेखेपनि

You write well . keep on writing. dont expect a lot of encouragement or accolades or what ever "wah" wah" you may hope to get here, for there are Yek se yek diggaj here in sajha, and one thing about their Diggaji is that they tend to look at a newcomer or a new talent ( as you may think you, which i know you are) as Jharpat.

it is of a vicious circle that in order to break in, you either have write political hymns, or opinions or eopinions, and they have to strong ones mind you, strong in the sense that it can attack or piss off the hastis or make them feel like "who the fk you are to even question my mastery on such and such political whatever", so that they all come after you like Rishayeko Aringal, and then guess what!!!!


You are the Instant HIT!! the most popular Sajhaite overnight
These suggestions based on my own experience and hoping you are new to Sajha. If not please disregard.

Peace Out

A sincere remark: Your poetry writing is in its infancy. Read more, write less. You can visit www.nepalikavita.com or one of these sites and see the language uses in Nepali. You can do a good thing for your self - read the history of Nepali poetry writing and how it matured from Bhanubhakta to Moti Ram Bhatta to Gopal Prashad Rimal to Mohan Koirala.

Houston,

Thank for the Link.

Thank u for chakman and houston for their sicere comments but i have some comments and queries related to houston comments.How can u tell me that I am in the state of infancy?Yes, you are riight and I am but try to justify.I really do not know what exactly poem means to u but for me any short piece of writing conveying some message will be poem.........I do not know history of Nepali poem but that does not mean that any person who does not know history and has not read bhanubhakta and motiram can not write it...............I must thank for the link but u sound as if u are master of Nepali poem.you must not have any illusion that only poems who are in gadhya or chhanda only will be poem.Read the Poems of "Bal Awara" and Sarubhakta.and you will know...................That my poem was in fact an attempt to write a gazal.........................................................Houston do u know what is Gazal?
I hope you will reply it .and thank u 4 ur comments

Thank u for chakman and houston for their sicere comments but i have some comments and queries related to houston comments.How can u tell me that I am in the state of infancy?Yes, you are riight and I am but try to justify.I really do not know what exactly poem means to u but for me any short piece of writing conveying some message will be poem.........I do not know history of Nepali poem but that does not mean that any person who does not know history and has not read bhanubhakta and motiram can not write it...............I must thank for the link but u sound as if u are master of Nepali poem.you must not have any illusion that only poems who are in gadhya or chhanda only will be poem.Read the Poems of "Bal Awara" and Sarubhakta.and you will know...................That my poem was in fact an attempt to write a gazal.........................................................Houston do u know what is Gazal?
I hope you will reply it .and thank u 4 ur comments

OneWhoCanDie;

I do not call myself the master of Nepalese poetry but as an avid reader of Nepali literature, I can tell where you fit.

Why read history? Cause you want to make a history. Unless you have mastered the writing styles of your predecessors, you cannot come up with your own style. You do not have your own unique style of writing means you are no body. Ask anyone who has done writing in that capacity.

Why read history? Cause you do not want to write like Bhanubhakta now. Bhakti Ras of Bhanu Bhakta, Prem Ras of Moti Ram, Gaddhya Kabita of Rimal, Abstract poetry of Koirala, they represent an epoch of Nepali poetry. You want to fit to your time at least.

Bal Awara? I do not know which Awara is this but did not exist until 2050.

As far as Gazal goes, we have very good Gazal teachers here in Sajha. If you keep coming here definitely, you will master the rules of Gazals. Writing Gazal itself? I do not know. Often time it is inherent, no matter how much you try you can not master.

I hope one of our Gazal teachers will carry on from here.

Here is a Ser for you ??

म मृत्युशैयामा थिएँ मृत्यु कुर्दै र डाक्टरी वयान आयो
कटारी थिएन कटाक्ष रैछ मुटु छेंड्ने अनि बल्ल ज्यान आयो

yea, balawara did not exist till 2050 and neither was I. Today, is 2062 bro, you have to open your eyes to know what is happening around. I do not make any position today and of course, it takes time to make any position in front of diggaz but you think that poems are only the property of Bhanubhakta and Motiram.Today, Bal AWaara, Asesh Malla and Sarubhakta have their own style but you , i think, do not want to give credits to them because you are watching by using the same lens what u were using in 2050.
Please wake up man..........I m searching one poem of Balawara here to open ur sleepy eyes and my interests are not to learn about bhakti and rasdharas coz i have a lot of other businesses to do here..............Let's see any Gazal diggaz and Masters here to teach me if they are in Sajha but I knew houston, u are not worthy of that job......................

>>Houston
Please base your critique, be it positive or negative, on some concrete reasons so that the writer can at least utilize it constructively.
Seems like you are more acquainted with the history of Nepalese poems and all, and you might have been correct when you said that 1whocandie4u's poetry is still in its infancy but what good would it do to him if you don't give any reasons why his poems couldn't live up to your expectations. Was it the use of his words which was premature? Was it the lack of depth in his poem ? If so, give some examples yourselves or leave him with a pointer to a good piece of literature. Don't just say : "I am f**king more experienced than you are and you are worth a calcutta cow . period. "

>>1whocandie4u
Since you asked for one, I am writing this but be warned that I am a layman, have never written a poem at my own will and hence, should not to be taken seriously.
I read your poem alright, the words were pretty simple and the content was pretty stale (every 3rd song or poem written sounds like this). To summarize: " You and this girl (supposing that you are a guy and heterosexual) were in love. You used to think that this girl was pretty cool or something but she dumped on you. And now you are left all alone and shit".
But man, if you had elaborated more on how she cheated you, it would have been interesting. Did she elope with your favorite student ( supposing you are a teacher) ? If so why do you think she did that ? Were you not good at bed or was your salary not enough to buy her a Louis Vuitton? As Hercule Poirot put it: "The details are important mon ami."
But your poem rhymed, man. I found it pretty difficult to write rhyming poems. So, you deserve something for that.

There is this song of Eminem. The content is basically the same as yours: this guy(call him A) finds his wife sleeping with another guy(B) and A gets ready to kill her. But then there is this twist in the song, man. A's conscience comes into play and tells him,"Wait! What if there's an explanation for this shit?" and A replies, "What? She tripped? Fell? Landed on his dick?!". Now, I found this entertaining, man. You can express your originality at the details , the outer ideas are all used up by our ancestors.

Ok gotta go and eat now. Bye.

Arch 119, thank u for ur comments......I am laughing here after reading ur comments because u wrote very simple and meangful comments.i know u are expecting something about her(supposedly my girlfriend) but that was my inability and if i tried, poem would be very long...............so, i could not explain where and how did she vanish from my life but still i hope that u liked in the sense that i was able to express my feelings when she was and was not with me..................I will try in my later poems to expalin (not this situation) but other so that u will find all the things taht u think should be in a poem.............
So, far as rythm is there, I already said that This si gazal and will have little sutra(formula) .So, it is bound by that formula.............otherwise, it will not be gazal any more.I will publish my next poem soon,.............I hope You people will find much deapth in coming poem..

Houston, if u have ability to comment where i have done mistakes, you are at liberty to suggest me but do not pass blank comments and judgements please.............I do not know how many poets in this world have become poets after reading a llong history of poems and literature.............I did not get any Balawara's poems right now but i will publish his poem here as soon as I get it

Houston

It will be better if you don't argue with this guy ! Just my suggestion.

1whocandie4u,

Ghazal re????

There has been numerous educational discussions about ghazal in this forum. Please refer to extremely useful advices of "Nepe' to find out about the rules of ghazal.

http://www.sajha.com/sajha/html/OpenThread.cfm?forum=2&ThreadID=22040

Also see ghazal in the making by Nepe;

Right now you don't seem to have any understanding about the rules of ghazal. But dont worry, I used to be like you and took a while to understand the rules and still having trouble to apply and still writing "FAZAL".

For other rules: Go to google and type in What is ghazal and you will find tons of information.

Hope this will help.

BTW, Houston has pretty good hold in Nepali and your style of confrontation is not going to help you especially if you want to improve and learn. Its just he is getting busy and not posting recently.

"पहिलो गासमै ढुगां भन्या जस्तो" भो कि क्या हो 1whocandie4u जीलाई?
अरु नि जाओस्।
"बाल आबारा" रे?

Houston ब्रो को यो शेर चैँ बेजोड नै थियो, जसले जे भने नि।

OneWhoCanDie,

You asked for a comment, I gave you a sincere one. You do not like it that is your problem. Generally, people do not like comments on their first poem where they spelled their heart out. You went through this emotional orgasm. You know the face behind each word. You know the deception behind each ser. For me, they are mere words and as they do not spark any emotion on me, they failed to deliver.

Don?t hope your Padhya Kabita aka Gazal to be become the National Poem of Nepal unless you are Paras Shaha. It is not happening anytime soon. People write for decades with out any name recognition and here you are already chomping.

I tell you to read because you are writing in Bhanu Bhaktiya style which is history and literature does not go on cycle unlike you daddy?s bell bottom and it is not coming back any time soon.

Your Ashesh Malla ? He is more of a drama writer than a poet. Saru Bhakta - I have read him and he writes well. Your Bal Awara ? still does not ring a bell. Non of them are poets of much significance, Saru bhakta could be, from the perspective of surviving in Nepalese Poetry after fifty years.

I read people's comments................it's ok for me but i knew that here are some people who think themselves as a master and as a learned poets but they talk like "pani ma padne jasto kuro"...............if anybody thinks that he is good and competent enough in that subject, i really challenge him/her/them/ to write over here so that everybody can read and send comments..................kabita ghar ma rakhera kabi bhako ding hanne haru murdabad.lau ja maile bhandiye................Thanks for comments to nepe, dada, and sirish.if anybody has illusion like this is national poem or something like that, please wake up man.u can criticize, of course, but u think that u are too good on the subjects , then, why u do not show ur ability?

Gazal ka digaaz haru.it is my attempt and there may be various mistakes....tell, particularly where is the mistake , if u have balls...ballsless people please do not talk , jus passing comments like "panima padeko " or something like that..............i hope the links provided out here is really good................
who do not consider Ashesh Malla, Balawara, and sarubhakta as poets, damn ur knowledge about nepali Literature.u like it or do not like, my attempts will go on
Guys take care and u are at liberty to write some inspirin and critical comments
Let's see Who has that ability?

timro pratibimba bhai satha timor hunechu
kahile satha no chodne bacha ajha garnechu
sara dukha liye, khusni timilai dinechu
eshwar ko prasad jastai treat garnechu

timro jiwan ka har, ya jeet
sadhai satha hunechu
haso ra rodhan ma pani
timrai reflection bhai sathe ma hunechu

is that a poem???

sand , i think that will be poem .only that depend how good it will be or what bad it will,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,that was one of my comments here...exactly, u can not say something is not poem if the author thinks it is .only u have to tell is that poem is not good and poet is not with the one who has ability to write good poem.It is time that matters and who does not have ability will fade.it is a new trend actually to write anything and tell poem but it has to convey some meaning haina ta?

abu 1whocandie4u ..... i aint really a poet... i just wanted to write the poem and make you feel that your talent aint being neglected..... if i hadnt read you poem, i wouldnt even have been able to write those 8 lines i wrote.... thank you so much for the poetic environment that you created... and i had a great time writing that poem of mine..... made me think for a while....
aint trying to be rude... but i like my poem because i wrote it;)....... its not for other people to look at and judge... coz hell, i atleast tried.... that was just a way to say that you do have the talent to turn a non-poetic guy to a poet for 10 mins (yup.. it took me a long time for that small poem of mine;) pc out

i can appreciate ur views but i have some dissenting views over there..................
poem can be written from two perspectives
1. so that u get satisfaction.i mean to satisfy urself
2. so that others can read ur creation and feel ur felings.they may like it or not .but their comments and aspiration will help u to write a next better piece.There is third reason also to write poem
3. to be self accalaimed poet............(damn it! this is the worst motive to write a poem)
In fact, u should be poets in others eyes not in urs.I am not a poet just a author of my feelings regardless of others like it or not................you have not been poet for ten minutes nor i think u are....ur poem, i could not read nicely coz of roman nepali but still i think it conveyed some meaning.................... if u want to write just for the sake of writing, leave it...but be patient and keep on writing .one day, people feel that there is something in you............
Did u like my views?

. to be self accalaimed poet............(damn it! this is the worst motive to write a poem)
Damn, that hurts!!! but thanx for letting me know..... but i totally dont agree with you.... if i think that writing a poem for 10 mins is gonna make me happy, you bet i am gonna do it.... i would even put a min more into that.....

check this out.... There's two kinda ppl..

1) who does everything because s/he wants to show other ppl what he is capable of/ and later on is his acts are controlled by how other ppl think aka SLAVE in a way
2) who does everything because he likes to do it, and thinks that life is too short not to do it..... doesnt really care what other ppl are gonna say.. coz they were never a part of his/her life... and if they wanna be... then they gotta know that its a way for that person to enjoy his/her life...

i just happened to take life the 2 way..... i dont see a point why i wouldnt write a poem, if it makes me happy but doesnt harm anybody........ i wasnt writing for the sake of writing... i was doing it because i felt like... its for MY sake..