Today I flirted with death. I had enough with life. I was tired of the frustrations. The dejections. The anger. Tired of the horribleness of life....so today, I flirted with death.

I took my pistol out of the attic that I had bought a few weeks ago. And for the first time in my life, I stuck live bullets in the barrel. One. Two. Three. Three live bullets just for me. Whee!

I walked outside behind my shed. I crept low, so as not to attract the neighbors attention. I had hidden my gun underneath some clothes. It was unnecessary. The pistol would have just as easily fit in my pocket. I don't know. I guess people do silly things when they go towards their death.

So I went behind my shed and while I toyed with the gun, my fingers slipped and I locked a bullet in the chamber. I turned this switch and that knob. But I just couldn't unloosen the locked bullet. Now I was in a dillema. I lived in a residential neighborhood where a person couldn't just fire a gun. And yet, I was not going to walk back into the house with a chamber-locked gun. What to do? What to do?

As I sat wondering what to do, I felt frantic. I wondered if a neighbor would show up and smile and ask how I was doing. Worse, I didn't want them to see me with my gun. I didn't mind them seeing my dead bloody body. But I didn't want them to see me with a gun. And for the first time in my life I fired a shot from a pistol. It rang loudly. There was an echo. I became self-conscious. I hid the gun in my pocket and returned back to my house pretending like nothing happened. One of my family members had noticed the shot. I shrugged at them and said, "Not sure what that was." They seemed unsure. But let it go. Good.

I debated whether to go forward and kill myself. I thought of my family. I thought of friends. I thought of the world that I no longer cared to impress. That's why I didn't even bother penning the eloquent suicide note that I had put so much mental energy into conducting. I figured that if I didn't care enough about the world to kill myself. Why do I care who gets impressed with my suicide note?

I kissed my son. I walked aout of the house, I went back behind my shed. I locked and loaded a bullet. My mind spun with intense debate. I decided to silence my mind. In a frenzy I put the pistol in my mouth and I pulled wanting to feel the shattering sensation on my throat. Instead, I'm not sure what I pulled but I unlocked the chambered bullet. That shook me. I figured that maybe my time had not come.

I walked inside the house. I took the two bullets out of the gun. I put the fired shell in my pocket. Then I sat down at my computer to write this note.

Hey bro, HOLD ON!
            Im WAS not fond of my parents too, they divorced when I was very young. I spent all my life in boarding schools, and then in Gangs, drugs and as an outlaw gunda as a teenager. If I remained back in Nepal I would be either dead or in prison. You seem to have parents who cared enough that wanted to see you do good. Its every parents wish to see their kids succeed. And its natural that they get disappointed when their expectants arent met.You should understand that, You are lucky to have them, my folks didnt care if I lived or die, I dont blame them, I was a burden to their name in society, too many complaints, arrests, drugs gang fights etc etc that I was better dead than alive, AND I didnt give a rats arse about what anyone thought. When they divorced I lost my normal childhood and was traumatized enough to rebel out loud BUT I do acknowledge the damage I have done to their Names, hopes and expections due time. Now Im married with kids, a home and a normal life. Yes i didnt succeed in life as my parents wanted me to BUT I consider my self successful in my accomplishments comparing to my past. I do not want my kids to go through what I went through, Look at me I turned fine in a messed up family. I moved here in the US when I was 17, life hit me so hard that my Hollywood painted America vanished and reality of life set in. Man I hated it here and my pathetic LIFE, it was do or die situation. Go back and waste my life or stay and face it here, Then I thought to my self, everyone thinks Im a looser, good for nothing SOB, I gotta prove them wrong, SO I worked hard bro, didnt care what anyone thought or said. NOW that things have settled, I have a very normal relation with my parents. I thought I never say this BUT Now I love them. Hey bro may be you couldnt be the son they expected but you can be son that loves them anyways and SHOW them that you can succeed in other ways, They Love you unconditionally look at your child, you will find the answer.  Start by being a great father to your kid, be the kind of father you wanted your dad to be for you. killing your self will only make you a LOOSER.

 

"Mu~Ji Chilayo" Bhai ko choro laai Sahayog Fund

anyathya nalinu hola, yo pidit bhai ko string "I tried to kill myself" ni padhnu holaa, hus?

Fund kina?

1. Tori laahure bhai lai bachauna
   
   
2. Bhai ko choro ko bhawishya ko nimti
   
   
3. Torpe mari haalyo bhane, pathaamna ni paro...(bhagwan nagarosh)
   
   
4. Gule bhai laai 911 call gari, thuna maa haalesi, usko jahaan pariwaar lai chaahine Bail Fung ko nimti

La mero $10 aayo.......pathaaamne chahi kata ho? Kaslai ho?

 

lamna SAN daji hun ki NAS daji hun ki ANS daji ki NSA , yo fund yojana lai Stikey Note banaam na hai peeleej

ali gatilo naam bhetinas bhatee..........

तपाईंको कथा त एउटा धोतीले चोरेछ

http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=89403

कि उताको यता हो ? कि एउटै मान्छे हो ?

Dai haru.

Namaste. I'm sorry for all the people that got offended by this username.

Yes, the addforum posting is mine also. I didn't want to reveal that I was a Nepali in that forum. Nepal is such a small country and since that forum is full of westerners, to them it doesn't make a big difference culture wise between Nepal and India.

Yes I have ADD (inattentive type or ADD without hyperactivity).

http://www.ldpride.net/addsub-types.htm

 

 

You are really kidding me bro ! You are in such country where wife and husband doesn't care about each other and you are saying you are going to die becoz of parents !! lol bro.

Change state, change friends , change environment  and all things that hurts you !

Live your life own , be happy !

Terobaaje,

I really appreciate your comments. Thank you. I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all the things that you went through. That must have been tough. I'm glad to hear that you found the light at the other end of the tunnel.

Tregor,

Thank you for your words as well.

You're freaking Idiot as your name and may be due to your own stupidity you earned it? Just curious.
I have seen many people done those stupid decision and then blame others. I guess you are the one to blame and you are the one to correct yourself.

If you needed an help clean your head and come up with  a name that does not provoke or does not represent privet parts or similar.

May be you stole the story otherwise you should have mentioned it. Now someone found similar story and you claim it is you.

Anyway guys. I have contacted some friends/relatives to help me. I am trying to move forward the best that I can. If you have any advice for me, I would appreciate it. Otherwise, thanks to everyone who responded. It was not my intention to give you more stress than you probably already have in your life. It was just that I had enough. I'm sorry for any disturbance I caused. Peace.

You will be fu**ked by every body, and by yourself too,  if you have that mentality as you chose the log in  name.

So you better change your own attitude , negative to positive that is my and our advise.

Life is always good ...you are getting,what other people think its a dream ...try to handle life in good way......beside killing own ...u can do many things ...killing is not the solution ........don't ran away from problems...face it and learn from it....you got a lots of opportunity...

Mr Dirty nick name

i m sorry u are going through this but i can assure you that we all go through such stage on and off in life...may be not in same extent but please know that we all DO...family are there to support you but sometimes they can also make you feel insignificant and like you are good for nothing.....my parents call me often and make me feel so bad that i havent still done my Masters...i have ok job...have started my family but the only ting they are fixated upon is not being as academically sound as their friends children. They never tell me how kind of a person I am, how many friends I have, how nice my personality is and how Content in life I am but just makes me feel inadequate because of 2 lines missing in my reusme....I have hardly gotten a reassurance from my parents that they are proud of me....but what the heck....there are other things that give me pure JOY and i hold on to them for positive vibes..........

Point is even though we are just content and happy in life at certain point it always hurts because you cant stand ppl feeling pity on you or undermine you....We all make the most of situations and sometimes make choices which is easy at the moment....face it sometimes we dont think longterm and make choices that is most feseable at the time,....dont let them distort your perception of your life....if they are so much of a bad infleuence on you and is hurting your self esteem you need to SHUN them ....love your wife and love your child. Meet your family in festivals but dont see them so often that they preoccupy your mind.....may be help some one so that you feel better about yourself......

REMEMBER the only reson you get effected by your family is because YOU LET THEM....you let them treat you this way........you need to teach them how to treat u, if thats not possible them just let them go untill you feel as good as new ( my favourite OPRAH discourse!!!)

 

 

Hey,
Life is not always what you think. Don't run away from your problems!!!! God has given us this beautiful life. Try to solve your problems and yes you can do it !!!!  Never ever think about committing suicide learn to love your life !!!
Take care !!!

IS THIS A HIPHOP SONG?

OK, I seem to have disturbed a lot of people with my username. So I am changing my username to NayaJivan.

Bhojpure and others,

Sorry about my previous nickname. I created it out of fun and was never supposed to discuss such a serious subject with it. But life doesn't always happen the way we want it. Anyway, I've apologized for it.

Pixie,

Thank you for your mature and well thought out reply. You're right, I need to change my life situation so that it more reflects the positive qualities that I have. It's just that when you find yourself in a tough groove, it's hard to always bounce back. I've exhausted a tremendous amount of energy in bouncing back. In some ways I feel like I've made things worse. Sometimes its hard to have faith that things will be better when you try and try and things just keep falling apart.

EK PATAK bhai ko posting haru ma dhyan dine ho ki?

la hernush!

Subject	Posts	Last post
I tried to kill myself today - no comment. bhai le khuleaam gaali khaako dekhera maayai laagi sakyo.	9	09-15-10   5:44 PM
relationship question - sallah dine maanchhe, aafai lai sallah dim na pahile, ki kasso?	2	09-13-10   4:47 PM
K USA basera Nepal ko bikas garne yojana chha? = aafu taakne mudo, bancharo taakne ghudo!	2	09-13-10   3:22 PM
Being a Nepali and adapting in America without losing our identity = Feri uhi kuro. 17 bara ma DV parera aayeko byakti, pakkai ho.	1	09-13-10   12:11 PM
एउटा प्रश्न : केटीहरुलाई किन भालू भनिएको हो ?  = kuro bujhi haaliyo ni bhai ko manda manasthiti ko baare ma. yesto uranthaulo kuro haru sochyo basyo.. kaam dhaam chhaina....dhat!	3	09-10-10   2:57 PM
कठै!!! यति लेख्दा फेसबुक अकाउण्ट क्लोज भएछ - tathya aafai bolchha!	1	09-10-10   1:08 PM
Is America heavan or prison for Nepalese?  - DV Lottery parera aayeko byakti hunu parchha. Jaslai kaam, dhaam, career ko matlab hunna.

 

 

Ram Prasad Neupane dai,

The bottom line what you are saying is that:

I deserve the chastisement I am receiving. And that people who act the way I do and fall in the kind of categories that I do (writing in the kinds of threads I do) don't deserve your compassion. You reject people like me from your life because you perceive them as unworthy of being taken seriously. Their choice of lifestyle automatically sets them up for rejection in your book.

Dai, is this what you are saying?

Sarwapratham, Nayajiwan, payeko ma muri muri badhai chhha. Aasha chha timro naya jiwan, harsha, ullash, safalta ra unnati le paripurna hunechha. Mata Saraswati, mata lakshmi ra Ganapati ko aradhana gara... aafu ma biswas rakha, sab thik hune chha.

Kuro compassion ko. You are my utmost priority bhai, as of now, at least since I noticed your thread. All of those who noticed your thread, found some time to ponder your situation and figured, they need to lend you a shoulder for support, came here not because of your state of mind alone, but to show their solidarity towards rejuvination of your life, and I believe we all-including me, have been quite successful.

Now dont get discouraged or dissapppointed because of my hurting words, if they hurt you. If it did hurt you, I am happy, not because of the pain, but because of the fact that you are taking things seriously.

My book (!), wants people like you and I am passionate about it. Do you deserve the hate? No.

Take a look at my postings, figure me out, its easy.  I have waaaaaaay crazy and uranthyaulo postings than yours ranging from relationships to gaza and muktak to kathaas. Bottom line, postings may not represent the posters state of mind.