हजारों ख्वाहीशें ऐसी

Today, is a day full of mixed emotions... I'm angry and I'm frustrated ...and I'm smiling, and I'm in deep thought. This is one of those days when I'm back to the basics ...what is it that I want? ...the question that haunts me much less than other "normal" human beings, is popping in my head. The events of the day aren't completely responsible for this... i guess they were just the trigger to an old build-up.
I have ghazals playing in the background and somehow, they are all making a lot of sense...

हजारों ख्वाहीशें ऐसी , की हर ख्वाहीश पे दम नीकले
बहोत नीकले मेरे अरमान , लेकीन फीर भी कम नीकले
-- Ghalib's masterpiece in Jagjit Singh's golden voice

All I want is everything (that's what i've been telling myself), or perhaps not. Today, I'm confused. Anyway, I've given up that thought for the moment. This is one of those rare days when I find myself standing at crossroads trying to figure out which way to go. I know, this is not my style and it is pretty unlike me, but i do have the right to be human at times. So, this is me, thinking about my life, about the things I want and things I want to happen to me or to my friends. I take a walk through the deepest and darkest corners of my mind.
I have taken a break from the fast life today, to mourn.... mourn all the losses I've ever suffered in my life - people I lost and the feelings that I lost.

देखा तो मेरा साया भी, मूझसे जुदा मीला,
सोचा तो हर कीसी से, मेरा सीलसीला मीला
शहर-ऐ-वफा मे अब कीसे एहल-ऐ-वफा कहें
हमसे गले मीला तो, वोही बेवफा मीला
-- Jagjit Singh makes me think once more

One moment I feel detached from everyone and everything, as if nothing matters at all ...and then the very next moment, many people who weren't that important till yesterday, feel so close!!
Optimism is on a low today and yes, I'm feeling a little depressed too. I have my own reasons ...and there's no one reason for it all. Perhaps this would be the most outrageous reason of all - why can't the world around me, be the way i want it to be!!???
Interestingly, it is this reason that is making me smile today. I actually find it comical for a person as practical as me to feel this way.
Well, this is a time when I've put aside all my practicality and I've actually chosen to feel this way. Hence, I am so full of contradictions right now.
In the meanwhile, a change of song causes a change in the line of thought....

जीनदगी मे तो सभी प्यार कीया करते है,
मै तो मर कर भी, मेरी जान तूझे चाहूंगा

अपने जजबात मे नगमात रचाने के लीये
मैने धडकन की तरह दील मे बसाया है तूझे
मै तसव्वुर भी जूदाइ का भला कैसे करूं
मैने कीसमत की लकीरों से चूराया है तूझे
प्यार का बनके नीगेहबान तूझे
मै तो मर कर भी, मेरी जान तूझे चाहूंगा
जीनदगी मे तो सभी प्यार कीया करते है,
-- Mehdi Hassan melts the hardened heart!!!

"To love or not to love??" has become another significant question, and I'm stuck in between. In my life full of absolutes, this is the most ironic situation. I know I'm on the verge of falling and this time I really can't make the call. The basic reason perhaps is that I find it against my self-respect to make the absolute fall before an indication from the other end and I'm also reminded of the old hurt. I know that I am responsible for my own destiny and if I do anything stupid, there no one else to blame for the consequences but myself. It's a weird situation but just like everything else, today I'm letting myself loose on this one too... let me fall.

A couple of days back, I fell on the stairs ...and then got up confidently. I felt as if something was being told to me - It is okay to fall. Maybe I'll hit the ground but then I can get up, confidently once more. After all, aadmi gir kar hi seekhta hai

Well, the song changes and I realize what's missing

कोइ दोस्त है, ना रकीब है,
तेरा शहर कीतना अजीब है,
यहाँ कीसका चेहरा पढा करूं
यहाँ कौन इतना करीब है

and then...

हमसफर होता कोइ तो, बांट लेते दूरीयां
राह चलते लोग , क्या सम्झें मेरी मजबूरीयां
-- Jagjit Singh hits where it hurts the most

So many years in this country and no one to call mine... that's where it hurts!!! though, I stand tall and unaffected. Perhaps I expect too much ...but do I??? Is truth and trust too much to ask for???
I have always been experiencing the side-effects of being a "bindaas guy". No one takes you seriously. Even your utmost sincerity is mistaken for another one of those stupid jokes.
Anyway, i think i'll stop writing here... and though as a writer, I always close my writings with an optimistic thought, i won't be doing it this time for in these matters, there's little room for any kind of optimism. Let's accept things the way they are.

मोहब्बत मे नही है फर्क जीने और मरने का
उसी को देख कर जीते हैं , जीस काफीर पे दम नीकले


regards
-sp